Holidays & Divorce- 5 Tips to Survive the Season with Ease
If you are separated or divorce facing the holiday season may seem daunting. The divorce process is stressful enough but add in the pressures of managing the demands of seasonal events and holiday schedules, creating new traditions, being without your kids, and financial worries, the holidays may seem anything but joyful. Is it even possible to survive the season with ease? These 5 tips will help you manage the holiday season like a pro.
Plan Ahead
Planning ahead allows you to minimize stress & lessen the likelihood of being caught off guard. Decide who you will spend the holidays with and where you will be spending them.
Emotions are likely to be raw especially if this is your first holiday since the separation/divorce. Have a plan as to how you will handle those emotions when they pop up. Call a friend, write in a journal, take a walk for example. Above all, give yourself grace. You are doing the best you can, and that is enough.
Discuss the schedule with your co-parent
If you have a parenting plan, separation agreement, or court order, that is your default. Check your agreement early in case you want to request changes. If your co-parent agrees, then you can modify the plan for this year. If your co-parent does not agree, the default is to stick to the agreement. This might mean adhering to the regular schedule if holidays are not specifically addressed.
What if you don’t have an agreement? If you anticipate conflict, it is not too late to mediate your dispute and/or chat with a coach to figure out a plan, and work on effectively communicating with your co-parent. If you can’t resolve the conflict this year, make a mental note to address changes to your parenting plan for the future.
Pro Tip: Don’t involve the children if you experience conflict when figuring out the holiday logistics. Taking care of the details is not something your kids should have to worry about
Acknowledge that holiday traditions may have to change.
When figuring out your plan think about those traditions you want to keep, those you want to change and the ones you may want to skip this year. Making new traditions can feel scary and daunting, but they don’t have to be. It is okay to lower your expectations this year and release some of the pressure to have a picture perfect holiday.
Some suggestions:
- Plan a holiday movie marathon
- work on a jigsaw puzzle
- bake cookies or other holiday treats and deliver them to friends, neighbors, or to the local fire station or hospital for staff that has to work during the holiday.
Discuss gift giving methods with your co-parent
If you and your co-parent are able to communicate, discuss how you will share the expense of gift giving this year and/or who will give what gift. If you are not communicating, focus on what you can afford to give. If your co-parent gives expensive lavish gifts that you can’t financially afford, remember that creating memories is more important than giving a “thing” Children will remember how you loved them, not what you bought them. Remember, your time and attention will be remember long after they have lost interest in the toy or gadget. Kids are extremely perceptive. They know when parents are competing with one another and trying to buy their love.
Pro tip: Another important point to remember is when you give your child a gift, it is a gift to them. If you don’t want them to take the gift to their other parent’s home, consider giving the gift as a family gift-not an individual gift.
Here is an example from parenting expert Chistina McGhee that clearly highlights this:
Imagine your boss giving you a brand new fully loaded sports car as a bonus for doing such a great job. As your boss handed you the keys, how would you feel if she said, “Hope you love driving it around the parking lot because the car has to stay on company property.” Probably wouldn’t feel much like a gift, would it? And yet… it happens to kids of divorce all the time.
Practice Gratitude
Research has shown that there are significant benefits to practicing gratitude such as improved physical and emotional health, improving sleep and enhancing self-esteem. Creating a gratitude list can help shift the needle, even a tiny bit, away from feeding negative thoughts. The secret to surviving the holiday season is cultivating a life filled with gratitude.
Pro Tip: Fill a gratitude jar between now and Thanksgiving or between Thanksgiving and the new year. Then, when you have your kids-open the jar and read all of the things you are grateful for.
I love this quote from Joyce Meyer “Don’t wait for everything to be perfect before you decide to enjoy your life.” Remember, no one’s life is “Pinterest Perfect”. We are all human doing the best we can. I wish you and your family a holiday season filled with joy and peace.
Looking for more information and inspiration so you can survive and thrive before, during and after divorce? Join my private Facebook Group Separation & Divorce Support: Building a New Normal One Piece at a Time
You can also check out previous holiday posts here, here, and here.
