Surviving The Holidays During Separation and Divorce
Holidays are supposed to be festive and joyous. Social media feeds are filled with happy couples and loving families sharing their idyllic holiday pictures. If you are separated or divorced, the holidays can be stressful, isolating, and overwhelming. Rather than dwelling on the negative, make a commitment to yourself to not only survive but find peace and joy this year. Here are a few suggestions to help you get started.
Plan Ahead
Make sure your holiday parenting schedule is figured out well in advance. Review the terms of your Agreement or Court Order so both you and your former spouse know where the kids will be and when. If changes need to be made, do so as soon as possible. Don’t involve the children if you experience conflict when figuring out the holiday logistics. Taking care of the details is not something your kids should have to worry about.
Lower Your Holiday Expectations
Try not to focus on how you celebrated holidays in the past or dwell on what might be in the future. Keep the focus on this year. If you are experiencing the holidays blues, don’t pretend everything is okay. Accept that you may have a difficult time this year. When you remove the pressure to have the perfect holiday, you may find it easier to find joy in the season. Dr. Wayne Dyer, author of “No More Holiday Blues”, suggests embracing the joy you experienced as a child during the holidays. “Embrace the holidays rather than be a victim of them”. Keeping a positive attitude will help you maintain peace and joy this holiday season.
Avoid Holiday Debt
Financial situations often change during a divorce. You may feel pressure to buy your children, friends, and relatives expensive gifts even if you can’t afford to do so this year. Follow these four tips to avoid holiday debt:
- Set a budget and stick to it.
- Don’t forget to include expenses for decorations, food, holiday clothing, and travel.
- If you use a credit card, use one that gives the best rewards and make sure you can pay off the balance when due.
- Instead of buying a lot of expensive gifts plan a special outing. Giving gifts of time and attention will create memories that last a lifetime.
Establish New Holiday Traditions
Divorce inevitably means that you may have to say goodbye to some traditions. Rather than dwelling on how disappointing this may be, use that energy to create new traditions.
- Plan a holiday movie marathon with popcorn and hot chocolate
- Attend a local holiday show or event
- Work together on a jigsaw puzzle
- Bake cookies and deliver them to friends and neighbors
- Plan a special dinner with recipes you and your children choose and cook together
A client recently shared that they traditionally ate turkey for Christmas dinner. The first year after she and her husband separated her children requested lasagna for Christmas dinner. Embracing the idea of new traditions she taught her kids how to make her grandmother’s famous lasagna recipe. Not only did they start a new tradition but also created lasting memories.
If you are not able to be with your children during the holidays schedule time for a video call. Skype, Facetime and other applications make it simple to communicate with your children even if you are apart. Consider reading their favorite holiday story together while you video chat or record yourself reading the story so they can listen to it as often as they want.
When you do have the kids, plan a special celebration. The calendar does not have to dictate when you can celebrate the holidays.
Take a Break From Social Media
If you are feeling sad and/or lonely this holiday season, consider taking a break from social media. Studies have shown that scrolling thru your Facebook or Instagram feeds can increase these feelings, especially if you are already feeling blue. Looking for alternatives? Read a book, watch movies, play a game, or take a walk. Connect with friends and family by telephone or schedule face-to-face time with them.
Make Connections
It is important to stay connected during the holiday season. While you may feel like everyone else has a plus one and your first reaction is to hibernate until the holidays are over, don’t isolate yourself just because you are single.
If connecting with others is just not going to happen for you this season, reconnect with yourself. Give yourself permission to take time for you. Try out yoga, meditation, or kickboxing, for example. Binge watch a popular netflix series or read a book that has been on your list. If you need to get away, plan a trip. Sometimes just a quick getaway is all that is needed to recharge and prioritize.
If you find that you are really struggling emotionally, don’t be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help.
Focus on Others
Loneliness can be magnified during the holiday season. One way to combat feeling lonely during the holidays is to volunteer at a local charity, food bank, or homeless shelter. Volunteering allows you to feel connected to others and less focused on the stressors in your own life. There are so many ways to give back. Here are few ideas from this U.S. News article:
- Pack stockings for the homeless with granola bars, mini water bottles, applesauce and warm socks. Either donate them to a shelter or keep them in your car and hand them out when you see someone in need either at a stop light or while walking in your town or city.
- Visit a nursing home. Call ahead and schedule a time that works best for the residents. Work with your children to make cards and pick out decorations to take with you when you visit. Your small act of kindness may make someones otherwise lonely holiday joyous.
- Clean out the toy box and donate those items that the kids no longer use to a local shelter or non-profit. Additionally or alternatively, take your kids shopping and pick out a few toys that they would like to donate to those less fortunate.
Having a generous heart and a gracious spirit will lift others up which in return may lift you up as well.
Want to feel calm and confident as you navigate the practical and emotional challenges of separation and divorce during the holidays? Schedule a complimentary consultation to learn how I can support you in reaching your goals.
